The hold music is god awful. It’s like a shitty instrumental song that you’d hear inside an elevator at a mall. It wouldn’t be that bad if there wasn’t the static hum of white noise and the fact that every 15 seconds it loops back to the start. I know this because after 10 minutes of anxiously waiting on hold, I start to count down the beats in each loop. There it goes again.
“Welcome to Koodo and thanks for holding. This is Sam, how can I help you today?”
“Hi, my name is Brady and I’d like to cancel my cell phone.”
“Oh! OK. When would you like for me to cancel your plan?”
“Well, as soon as possible. I’m kind of on the plane to Vietnam and the flight attendant is just about to give the pre-flight safety demonstration.”
“I tried calling a couple hours ago, but there was an issue with the callback number and the representative couldn’t get through to me. Also, I needed my phone up until now.”
“That’s fine, Brady. I do see here you have a couple open tickets and they weren’t able to get a hold of you. Let me see what I can do to get your phone offline ASAP.”
“Thank you. I really appreciate this.”
Great. There’s that hold music again. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can handle. Thank the good lord for my handsfree earphones or else my ear would be sore, using the phone to squish it against my head like a daffodil in a flower press. Squeezing the life out of it, leaving it looking like a 2D drawing of the beautiful canary yellow flower it used to be. Or at least that’s how my ear feels after an extended phone conversation.
“Hi again, sorry for keeping you waiting. I think I’ve gotten everything sorted out and I should be able to cancel your phone immediately after I let you go. I see here that you have $100 left owing for your phone, but we’ll tack that on to your next statement along with any other charges from your current month’s plan.”
“Thank you so much! I know it was kind of last minute and I’m grateful you were able to do this so promptly.”
“No problem, Brady. Glad I could help. Now you better go, I can hear the flight attendant starting to go through the demonstration in French. Thank you for being a loyal customer for so many years. Have fun in Vietnam!”
I’ve sold my car, furniture, and most of my possessions, gave up my apartment and now I can cross my cell phone off the list as the final thing tying me down. I’m free. Free to explore the world as I please. I sit back in my seat and relax as the flight attendant finishes talking. As she walks back to her seat in the back of the plane, we taxi onto the runway where the captain checks with the aerospace control operator if it’s clear to take off. And with that he pushes the throttle up, my head hits the headrest from the G Force and acceleration begins as we start our ascent into the morning sky.
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